Lonely

feeling lonely today, I don’t know if lonely is actually the right word. There is a void that I can’t fill. I try to keep myself busy but in the dark hours of the night, when the frantic chaos of the day subsides, I find myself alone in the abyss.  I can find no solace in the blackness, I can not drive the demons away. There is no light, not beacon to draw me away from the edge. I am forced to face the inescapable questions in the endless chasms in my mind.I’ve been feeling this way for a while, and I haven’t been able to shake it as in times passed.  I have beaten back these feelings for the past four years, I guess its nearer five years now. At the start of this I lost the girl or my dreams. She was smart, funny, liked Nascar, beautiful, and most important of all a conservative. But she was more than all that she was my best friend.   We were high school sweat hearts, and were together for over three years. Then I lost her, it took me a long time to realize what happened, and ultimately it is not really that important. The story ends the same way, me alone. It was the one time in my life I did not fight, that I laid down and let the world take advantage of me, something that haunts me to this day. I doubt it would have changed things, but at least then I would have known that I did everything. 

I was in a bad spot, my life was not going very well. I broke off all contact with her and her family. I could not bare to look at them, or talk to them, because every time I did it served as a reminder of my weakness, of my failure.   Occasionally I have bumped into them, and every time my mind is instantly filled with the images of my time with her. Images that I have tried hard to forget. Yes they once were treasured memories of the happiest time of my life, but they are now only poison to my soul. It hurts me to write this, these are great people, but I have yet to find a way to deal with this issue.

I am fine, normally, and have not had this issue for a long time. A couple weekends ago, I went camping with the Boy Scouts, and we invited the cub scouts from various packs around town to come camping with us. I got up to great one of the young scouts, and instantly I recognized him as my ex’s nephew. He didn’t recognize me, 4 years is an eternity to a young kid.  His grandfather, someone who I didn’t have much contact with (he was on the other side of the family) had no clue who I was.  This run in has brought back more than I ever thought possible.  Unlike normally I have not been able to drive them back down.  Memories of what we had stir me from my slumber, the image of her walking away, leave me denied of much sought after sleep.

I have no lesson or trick on how to deal with these issues. My advice to you deals with how to avoid ever having this problem  never run from anything, stand your ground and deal with problems as they arise.

Advertisements
11 comments
  1. I am sorry you are experiencing loneliness right now.  It really sucks to lose the woman of your dreams.

  2. In many ways, losing the one you love in death (as I have) is easier than losing someone who is still around, whom you may meet, and with whom there were unresolved issues. A friend of mine who never believed in divorce was cheated on and divorced by his wife. His mourning is very deep and hard to put away. All of us do eventually heal from losses of these kinds – that’s easy to say and difficult to believe. I am sorry for your loss and grief (and any regrets, because they just have to be put away also).I still have periods of loneliness but I admit them to myself and then ask myself what to do next…sometimes it’s just to go to sleep for a while.

  3. Sorry you’re hurting. Hope you feel better soon.

  4. I am so sorry. I have hurt like that before, when my husband who I absolutely adored abandoned me and three kids for another woman. I was so devastated. I thought I would never be happy again.But I am now. I was dumb enough to take my ex back and have another child with him, only to be left again, this time with four kids. But then I met a man willing to take on a wife and four kids! He is better than anything I could have ever imagined, and what we have is so much better than what I used to believe was the greatest thing in the world. So, hang on. I was just telling Rick how I wish I had known he was in my future, because it would have made the pain so much more bearable back then. It is true that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. 

  5. mcbery said:

    There is no easy way out of things like that. Time does heal and we become sadder and wiser. We also find joy in unexpected places like mtngirlsouth did. God bless your today and tomorrow.

  6. Sorry you’re in pain.  Sometimes you have to just feel like shit until you don’t anymore.  My advice is take it in doses, process some of your emotions then distract yourself, watch a movie or something, then process a little more.  The bad thing about feelings is you have to feel them eventually.  If you still feel that torn up that long after the fact it means you still haven’t dealt with it.  Maybe pushing back the feelings isn’t the best solution.  You will have to deal with them somehow, if you don’t do it consciously you will take out your feelings on other people.  You bashing obama for instance could (at least a little) be a projection of some of your feelings about yourself, or your ex.  This is just an example though.You have to get it out somehow, and if your conscious mind doesn’t process how you feel it leaks out of your unconscious mind in less productive ways.  You might find someone else who is great but end up punishing them for the first woman, for instance.Just food for thought.

  7. I’m so sorry you are lonely. And that you are going through such pain. That is a deep pain/loss that you never get over…but you will come to live with it.  I wish for you to find love…someone you can make new, beautiful, happy, lasting memories with! HUGS!

  8. Thanks everyone for your kind words.  They have helped me immensely. They also reassured my faith in humanity. We can put aside our differences. I thank you all. I really wish I had more to say. Thank you. 

  9. pb49r said:

    I had a gal I thought I was in love with 40 years ago, and she broke it off during a visit at her home that summer.  Would not even write and give me a chance to see if we could restore the relationship.  That turned out okay, as I met the woman who is my wife in September of that year.  We have been married for 38 years, and are happy.  I took a few days to visit her hometown this past summer, and realized I was sorry the relationship had gone, but knew that our short time of loving each other and learning who we were, was good, and it was gone.  I had ended up with something better, even though at the time I thought I would always be alone.   I met a gal a few years ago, here on Xanga, who physically resembled Kathy, as I remembered her (at least the profile picture she used).  She told me she did not want any contact from me, last year, after several months of her saying she was moving out here.  

Let the discussion begin

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: