feeling lonely today, I don’t know if lonely is actually the right word. There is a void that I can’t fill. I try to keep myself busy but in the dark hours of the night, when the frantic chaos of the day subsides, I find myself alone in the abyss. I can find no solace in the blackness, I can not drive the demons away. There is no light, not beacon to draw me away from the edge. I am forced to face the inescapable questions in the endless chasms in my mind.I’ve been feeling this way for a while, and I haven’t been able to shake it as in times passed. I have beaten back these feelings for the past four years, I guess its nearer five years now. At the start of this I lost the girl or my dreams. She was smart, funny, liked Nascar, beautiful, and most important of all a conservative. But she was more than all that she was my best friend. We were high school sweat hearts, and were together for over three years. Then I lost her, it took me a long time to realize what happened, and ultimately it is not really that important. The story ends the same way, me alone. It was the one time in my life I did not fight, that I laid down and let the world take advantage of me, something that haunts me to this day. I doubt it would have changed things, but at least then I would have known that I did everything.
I was in a bad spot, my life was not going very well. I broke off all contact with her and her family. I could not bare to look at them, or talk to them, because every time I did it served as a reminder of my weakness, of my failure. Occasionally I have bumped into them, and every time my mind is instantly filled with the images of my time with her. Images that I have tried hard to forget. Yes they once were treasured memories of the happiest time of my life, but they are now only poison to my soul. It hurts me to write this, these are great people, but I have yet to find a way to deal with this issue.
I am fine, normally, and have not had this issue for a long time. A couple weekends ago, I went camping with the Boy Scouts, and we invited the cub scouts from various packs around town to come camping with us. I got up to great one of the young scouts, and instantly I recognized him as my ex’s nephew. He didn’t recognize me, 4 years is an eternity to a young kid. His grandfather, someone who I didn’t have much contact with (he was on the other side of the family) had no clue who I was. This run in has brought back more than I ever thought possible. Unlike normally I have not been able to drive them back down. Memories of what we had stir me from my slumber, the image of her walking away, leave me denied of much sought after sleep.
I have no lesson or trick on how to deal with these issues. My advice to you deals with how to avoid ever having this problem never run from anything, stand your ground and deal with problems as they arise.