Soccer

So I am going to take a step back from the political world for a bit to rant about something that has really been bugging me lately. A new pet peeve has crept into my life. An annoying itch in the center of my back safety tucked away far from threat of scratching. This new annoyance is the sudden obsession over soccer. I do not understand soccer, I do not like soccer, I am not entertained by watching soccer. I know that everyone is entitled to their own opinion but I just do not understand the love affair with the game. We live in a civilized country, I thought we have moved beyond the sport of communists and dictators.

I can already see the smoke bellowing from millions of soccer fans ears now that I have said that. I know there are soccer zealots out there that are foaming at the mouth, how dare I disrespect their beloved game. It is the greatest game in the world, this punk has no clue what he is talking about. I would like to kindly ask these loyal soccer fans to move off the burner, cool down, and allow me to explain my loathing of the sport of soccer.

 The first of many reasons that I loath soccer, has to do with the response from soccer enthusiasts when they find out that someone does not like soccer. As soon as you have revealed onto this loyal soccer fan, that you do not share their interest in the sport, they enter into a state of shock. Their mind cannot process this concept that someone actually doesn’t like soccer. Once their brain reboots, their typical first response is something along the lines of “soccer is the most popular sport in the world. Way more people watch it than they do football.” This opening salvo in what should have been a dead end conversation, fuels my disinterest in the sport. 

Lets break the statement down into two parts. The first segment implies that somehow, because soccer is the most popular  sport in the world somehow I am obligated to like it. I really do not care that soccer is the most popular sport in the world, just because hundreds of millions of people are sucked into watching sweaty men run around a grass field kicking a ball, does not make kicking a ball around a grass field interesting.  Millions of people still smoke Tabaco, despite knowing that it is a deadly habit. Just because the majority of the world chooses to do something, does not automatically make it the best way to do something, the most efficient, or the most interesting. By no means does it obligate me to agree with it.

Then there is the football argument. It seems like no conversation about someone’s disinterest in soccer is complete without attacking the sport of Football. For whatever reason, soccer fans seem to think that because Europe, Latin America, and the rest of the soccer playing world does not watch Football, somehow that lends soccer creditability. Now I am not a die hard football fan, I don’t wait for the first kick off of the season, I don’t own closets full of jerseys, but I do watch it. I am not going to argue that it is the more interesting sport, because that would be a distraction from the main issue here. I will however argue that the reason we watch football in America is due to our being a more civilized nation.

Look at the countries where soccer is the dominate sport. Look at their society. They are either living in a 3rd world country, in a socialist country, or under the iron fist of a dictator.  Spain for example suffers from the socialist blight, and as a result has unemployment rate is well over 20%, How are kids going to play football, if their parents cannot afford the appropriate gear, if they cannot afford to keep food on the table? Would you like to pack up and move to Gahna? How could we expect people in old eastern block countries to be interested in football, when it is a quint essential American game. The soviets were no fans of the US, so of course the culture grew up in the dark about football. Grew up to hate football, as everything American was considered evil.  What about someone living in the United Kingdom, they have socialized medicine. Now there is this perception that football is a much more dangerous sport than soccer. Imagine how hesitant someone would be to start playing a sport, where they think they will be subjected to countless life threating injuries, in a country where there are week long waiting lists to see a doctor.  Now I am not saying that these are horrible countries, or that we should avoid them.  But I am saying that their love of soccer could not be because it is such a great game. Their love of soccer could have evolved from stimuli that are a result of their living in an uncivilized part of the world.

Another contributing factor to the foul taste that soccer puts in my mouth is that I feel as though it is being forced on us be hipsters and yuppies who want to be more sophisticated, more like Europeans. I hate this idea that somehow the Europeans are leaps and bounds more sophisticated than anyone living here in the states. That somehow their culture is soupier to ours. I am constantly brought back to the thought that our ancestors left Europe because we wanted to get away from backwards tyrants and thugs. Why then should we try to emulate a culture that we so desperately tried to distance ourselves from. I am tired of being punished because of the backwards ways of the Europeans. The Europeans thought that doctors working for themselves, and competing amongst each other was just too complicated, so they nationalized their healthcare industry. Leading to poorer quality care, rationing, and long wait times. If you doubt me, why do people come from these socialist countries to the United States for medical care? The Europeans nationalized healthcare, and suddenly we have to. So because the European’s have government controlled healthcare, we had to have it too. Thank you Europe for the gift of Obamacare. Tyrants of Europe fear losing their power, so to protect their control of their subjects lives, they made them victims. The governments of Europe disarmed their population, a decision that as the UK shows us only led to higher crime rates. The European governments were allowed to take away their subjects firearms, so now hipsters and yuppies think that the US government should disarm its citizens.  Our cars have to be smaller, because the Europeans have poorly designed streets. Our cars have to be shaped in such a way as to meet the EU’s standards. Standards developed to protect pedestrians when they are struck by a car. So because Europeans are incapable of walking down the street without jumping in front of a car, we are punished with cookie cutter jelly beans. I do not like Europeans cars, I don’t want to drive one. I feel like what has happened to the car, is going to happen to our sports culture. Perhaps the complications that they suffer from when walking a crossed the street, explains why a sport as simple as soccer is so popular over there. They lack the necessary hand eye coordination to play any sport more complicated soccer.

I don’t like that soccer is being pitched as the safe alternative to football. For whatever reason, progressives have decided that it is time to bring the NFL down. The hipsters and do gooders are out warning of the dangers of football, pushing players to sue the league, and parents not to let their kids play. Their latest talking point is that concussions are on the rise, doing untold damage to the young people of this country. They attack football, where you where a helmet, but leave soccer all alone. They go after football, but ignore soccer a sport where you cannot use your hands the head becomes a viable alternative. Soccer encourages you to use your head, to move the ball down the feel. Rather than catching the ball with your hands, like an intelligent person would, soccer encourages you to act like a Neanderthal and head but it. I would assume that it would not require us to reassign the guys at NASA to figure out that this could easily lead to head to head contact. If I recall you don’t wear a helmet in soccer. In fact the statistics tell the story quit well, you are just as likely to suffer a concussion playing soccer as you are in football. 13% of all injuries in both sports are concussion related. The fact that football is deemed the anti-Christ because of the potential for concussions, but soccer gets a free pass ticks me off. All of this hoopla about protecting players is not about the players health, but bringing down a massive American Icon.

The biggest reason that I loath soccer though, has little to do with it being the sport of dictators and communists, or the mind numbing affect watching people swarming a little ball for over an hour. I cannot stand soccer because of the fans. They are just about the most rude, egotistical, obnoxious, and violent group of people you could ever fear to run into. They are almost as bad as progressives (these sub cultures to over lap). In Spain they have to have armed guards and barbed wire to separate the fans to ensure they do not riot. For the world cup this year hundreds of thousands of people were displaced from their homes in order to make way for the stadium. I mean sure football fans have been known to get drunk, and occasionally burn a couch but armed guards and barbed wire are not a standard site. Of course this could have to do with the fact that football is played in a civilized country.

The arrogance of soccer fans brings my blood to a boil. I am a NASCAR fan, I enjoy watching the race. I realize that to someone who is not really into cars, they don’t understand all the work it takes to make that car go around that track. I respect that many people do not care about NASCAR, so when I ask “did you see that race last night” and they answer “I don’t watch NASCAR” I don’t snap at them “NASCAR is the most popular spectator sport in the world”. I don’t go on about the intricacies of the sport. I don’t talk about how there are road courses, which have right and left turns. I don’t inform them about how many drivers feel that the long oval courses are harder to drive than the road courses. I accept that my sport is not popular with everyone, I do not try to push it on people. I just cannot stand how soccer fans jump down your neck if you do not like the sport.

In short, I do not like soccer. It is a sport favored by communists and dictators. I cannot get interested in watching a group of men chasing around after a ball on a field. I can find better things to do with my time, like watching paint dry, counting the birds in the trees, or nailing my hand to my deck. I live in civilized country thus there are better sports for me to watch than soccer.

rant done

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